Grace Alone

Only God

2010-11-05T20:06:00.002-05:00

He never stops teaching me. (Thank you, Lord!) Sometimes the lessons are difficult. What I'm finally, just now learning is that it's only God. Only God who can change hearts. No amount of fine speech or even manipulation can change a heart of stone into a heart of flesh. It's only God. And it's only for His purposes.

"But I had concern for My holy Name, which the house of Israel had profaned among the nations to which they came." Ezekiel 36:21

And in His grace, He then promises to turn their hearts of stone into hearts of flesh. Incomprehensible that His concern for His Name becomes our salvation. Beautiful. Hopeful.

Suffering

2010-01-13T09:27:00.001-06:00

Recently, I heard a pastor from a persecuted nation speak and here’s what was on his heart. As they prayed for the New Year, they had a great sense that something powerful will happen in 2010. He spoke of the growing persecution and the government’s blind eye to that persecution. Their protection will not come from their police. He spoke of threats to their church leaders, particularly to himself. He also spoke of great opportunities afforded by this new wave of persecution. When asked how we can pray for them, his heart was heavy that the church would stand firm in showing love, and that the churches of his nation would be united. He didn’t ask for protection, or for the persecution to stop.

I went home with a very heavy heart. A burden to pray, yes. But something else. This odd sense of envy. Not for their hardships. But for their dependence on the Lord, their strong faith, their urgency for Kingdom business, their lack of self-centered living, their unity in the Spirit, their PASSION, their willingness to suffer for Him. And I realized that these things I envy are born out of persecution. In my own life, the times of greatest suffering have been the times of greatest worship.

It should not be our life’s goal to avoid persecution. We should expect it and embrace it. Maybe (at least for now), our persecution looks different than my pastor friend’s. Maybe our persecution looks more like un-acceptance because of our “narrow-mindedness.” Am I willing to rejoice in that?

After being beaten, the apostles “rejoiced that they were counted worthy to suffer dishonor for the Name.” (Acts 5:40-42)

One year....

2009-09-05T13:09:00.001-05:00

One year ago Heaven gained Steve. It’s been quite a year. Some days I still expect to see him walk into the room. Other days I have difficulty recalling what it felt like to hold his hand. It’s been a year of feeling God’s presence. A year of aching to hear Steve’s voice, and look into his eyes. A year of being blessed by others. A year of adjustment, and learning to accept what I cannot change. A year of growing to trust God more.

If I had to sum up all I’ve learned this year, it would be best said by Isaiah 48:10-11. “I have tried you in the furnace of affliction. For My own sake, for My own sake I do it, for how should My Name be profaned? My glory I will not give to another.” Nothing happens to us apart from God’s plan. And His plan is to gain all the glory. When our lives are comfortable, it’s hard to see that His ultimate goal is His glory, not more comfort for us. But, the Biblical perspective is that it’s ALL about Him.

Walking with Steve through his last days here changed me. Several truths struck me in a way they never had before. The truth of eternity. The truth that we’re saved by His grace alone. The truth that this life will soon be over and it needs to count for eternal things.

Steve’s life did count for eternal things. His faith in God was un-shakable. I have to admit that sometimes Steve’s faith in God frustrated me. He wasn’t upset by the things I thought should bother him. But, I’m gaining more of his perspective. And it is clearer than ever that my God never leaves His throne.

On this difficult anniversary, I’m thankful for my Savior’s amazing grace. I’m thankful that I was Steve’s wife and for friends and family who hold me up in so many ways. I’m thankful for the days He gives me and a perspective formed by affliction.

Every day I miss Steve. And every day I’m happy for him.

“May the God of hope fill you will all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” Romans 15:13

Slowing Down

2009-04-24T12:12:00.003-05:00

I'm a slow learner, but the Lord is amazingly patient. He's teaching this remedial student all about slowing down, listening to Him, waiting on His promptings instead of jumping in. It's really all about Trust. His timing is certainly not like mine, but His is perfect.

A very wise woman recently told me, "There's a huge difference between being productive and being fruitful." (ouch)

Cinderella

2009-03-06T22:03:00.001-06:00

Once upon a time, there was a girl who sometimes wondered if she was loveable. Long ago, others had made her feel not-so-special. Much to her surprise, her Prince Charming had arrived and was more than she ever had dreamed. One day, though, she was feeling particularly insecure, and wondered if she should tell her handsome prince, or if she should keep it safely to herself. She took a great risk and told the prince everything. Quite expecting rejection and even wrath, she was dumbfounded by his reaction. Do you know what he did? That prince put his arms around the girl, and gently said, “You are beautiful. What can I do to help make this better?”

Well, the princess (for now that’s how she felt), was speechless! It was then that she realized what an amazing treasure she had been given. And, she floated through the day feeling wonderfully loved. And later, when she recalled the kindness in his voice, she cried. Happy tears.
And they lived happily ever after.
The End.

This story turned up as I was going through Steve’s things. I had written it for him just after we married, and can still remember the feelings behind it. Genuinely expecting his anger for some now-forgotten crime, I instead received the most beautiful, pure love. Never had I experienced anything like it. And it transformed me.

The truth is, deep-down I had always seen God as a stern, unbending Father. One who stood ready to condemn. With my head, I knew better; but my heart was mixed-up. God used Steve’s example of unconditional love to move my head knowledge to my heart.

In John 15:12, Christ said, “My command is this: love each other as I have loved you.” That’s not an easy thing. I wasn’t particularly loveable that day. Nevertheless, I was the recipient of Steve’s obedience, and the impact was astounding. Just imagine the impact on the watching world if we, as the Church, all obeyed that command.

Steve is Home now. Until I catch up with him, my challenge is to do for others what Steve did for me. Demonstrate a loving grace that points to the Father.

My Valentine's Gift

2009-02-14T12:58:00.002-06:00

Valentine’s Day is a day to celebrate being in love. I was prepared to be a little depressed and got all dressed up for my pity party. But the Lord had other plans.

Last night I had a dream that Someone was telling me to read Hebrews 10:12. When I woke this morning, the very first thought I had was “Hebrews 10:12.” So I found it and read, “But when Christ had offered for all time a single sacrifice for sins, He sat down at the right hand of God.” I wept at the beauty of that Truth, and how He could care so much for me on this day that He would tell me twice to find that scripture.

Before I was even born, He knew that I couldn’t be good enough. And He took care of that, at great cost to Himself. This world has nothing to offer in comparison.

Thank you, Lord, for blessing me on this Valentine Day. Thank you for being such a gracious comforter. You are all I need.

Perspective

2009-02-07T09:47:00.001-06:00

"O source of all Good,
What shall I render to Thee for the gift of gifts,
Thine own dear Son, begotten, not created,
My redeemer, proxy, surety, substitute,
His self-emptying incomprehensible,
His infinity of love beyond the heart’s grasp.
Herein is wonder of wonders:
He came below to raise me above,
Was born like me that I might become like Him.
Herein is love:
When I cannot rise to Him,
He draws near on wings of grace to raise me to Himself.
Herein is power:
When Deity and humanity were infinitely apart,
He united them in indissoluble unity, the Uncreate and the created.
Herein is wisdom:
When I was undone,
with no will to return to Him, and no intellect to devise recovery,
He came, God incarnate, to save me to the uttermost,
As man to die my death, to shed satisfying blood on my behalf,
To work out a perfect righteousness for me."

From "The Valley of Vision"

Why? Part 2

2009-01-23T20:51:00.001-06:00

So, back to my meandering mind during Anatomy. I think about that girl and have a vivid mental picture of her. I was allowed to pray for them. The mother-in-law asked that I pray for the girl to become pregnant soon. Instead, I prayed for God’s favor and redeeming mercy to be upon her.

There is also a second-hand mental picture burned in my mind. I remember sitting at Starbucks across from a nurse friend who had just returned from Africa. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she told me about the very young girls who are given in marriage the minute they hit puberty. Their little bodies are horribly torn during childbirth, and then they’re considered “damaged” and turned away by their much older husbands. The medical team she was with was able to repair much of the physical damage, and they spent time educating these young girls.

More mental images were burned as I read “Terrify No More,” by Gary Haugen about IJM’s efforts to rescue girls (some as young as 5 years) from brothels where they are held prisoner. The book had a profound impact, as I sat in my safe little world reading about the horror these children endure.

My mind snapped back to class. The professor was still telling us about himself. I’ve surrendered myself to God’s plan. My prayer for the last month or so has been that I will be an excellent student, an excellent nurse, and courageous to go wherever He sends. I pray, too, that the Lord will continue to give me a vision of serving Him as I press on.

I think about Steve. A lot. I was melancholy Tuesday morning as I drove to my first class. I wish he could share this new venture with me. He’d be my greatest cheerleader. But really, he still is. I just don’t get his hugs.

Why? Part 1

2009-01-21T12:34:00.003-06:00

Have you ever had one of those surreal moments where you look at your surroundings and think, “What am I doing here?!” School officially started this week, and I had that very thought during Anatomy class. I let my mind wander toward the answer. (This was the first class, and the professor gave an hour long lecture on his education and life philosophy. I don’t think I missed anything that will be on the test.)

A few years ago, on a trip to Egypt, we travelled south by train to an agricultural village. It was isolated and beautiful – like time had stood still. It’s what I picture when I think about Bethlehem of old. Our team was divided, and we each went with one translator and a native host to visit various homes. The local government had been forcing us to take armed guards everywhere. Unbeknownst to me, we ditched our guard, and the three of us walked quickly through the narrow, crowded alleys. The streets were not wide enough for cars, only livestock and pedestrians. The sites were amazing, the poverty evident, and I was an anomaly. After untold number of turns, I remember thinking that if I became separated from my hosts I would never find my way back. At one point, we passed a partially butchered side of beef, hanging in the open air, covered in flies. The stench was memorable. I prayed silently as we walked, but I wasn’t afraid. In fact, I felt this odd sense of being right where I was supposed to be.

We entered what I thought was a barn. In fact, it was a home/barn combo. The floors were dirt with a few worn rugs, a small glass-less window, no furniture, and several goats. I was introduced to the lady of the house, and her daughters. There was also a shy, young girl who appeared to be in her early-mid teens. After some conversation between my translator and our hostess, it was explained to me that the young girl was the daughter-in-law. It was clear that she was out of favor with her mother-in-law. Her crime? She’d been married for six months now and still was not pregnant. I’ll never forget her lonely eyes. And I remember wondering who will take care of her when she does conceive? Will anyone explain what’s happening in her body? Who will be with her when she’s scared and in labor?

To be continued. (I need to study.)

Single? No.

2009-01-15T13:59:00.001-06:00

I had to fill out a form with this, “Check one: ____ single ___ married.” I stared at it for a long time, and finally wrote, “Neither.” Maybe there’s a little rebellion in that response: don’t put me in a box. The truth is, I can’t imagine taking off my wedding ring, or Steve’s which I now wear, too.

But more than that, I’m just not single. Single implies alone. My earthly husband may not be here anymore, but I am NOT alone. Yahweh Ish. The Lord is my Husband.

Isaiah 54:5, “For your Maker is your Husband, the Lord of hosts is His name, and the Holy One of Israel is your Redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called.”

New Year, New Hope

2009-01-08T21:07:00.001-06:00

I couldn’t imagine being at a New Year’s Party without Steve. Nor could I imagine being home alone. So I went away for a few days of alone time with the Lord. It was the perfect solution for me. The Lord was so sweet to meet me there and give me a renewed hope and strength. This verse was a key, “But the path of the righteous is like the light of dawn which shines brighter and brighter until full day.” Proverbs 4:18

I miss everything about Steve – even the things that drove me crazy! But yesterday, Andy and I went to the cemetery, and I just sat there thinking about what is going on with Steve right now. Imagine what he’s seeing, who he’s seeing, who he’s talking to, the new knowledge he has of things we can’t begin to understand. Free from a sinful nature. In a glorified body (whatever that must feel like!). It’s “full day” for Steve. I’m so happy for him. I truly am. Even if it were within my power, I couldn’t ask to have him back here – not if I really love him. And I do.

One of the things I planned to do on my retreat was to make a list of things I’m thankful for. Number one is that I’m thankful for the peace that comes from knowing God is in control, and always will be. I stopped there. That’s enough.

Christmas Grace

2008-12-30T20:47:00.002-06:00

Christmas was difficult, but I awoke the next day feeling much better. I’d made myself physically sick with the dread of “celebrating” without Steve. Frankly, I’m just glad it’s over. Not a very nice way to think about the day we celebrate Christ's birth, but I couldn’t focus on anything other than the empty place at the table.

I’m saddened that I didn’t trust the Lord to carry me through. I just sit in awe of God’s grace. All the ways I fail Him, yet His loving eyes never leave me. Why? I have nothing to offer Him, nothing but my need for Him. What an amazing God I serve.

“What shall I give Thee for all Thy benefits?
I am in a strait betwixt two, knowing not what to do;
I long to make some return, but have nothing to offer,
And can only rejoice that Thou doest all,
That none in Heaven or on Earth shares Thy honor;
I can of myself do nothing to glorify Thy blessed name,
But I can through grace cheerfully surrender soul and body to Thee.
(from "The Valley of Vision")

"So, how are you?"

2008-12-13T22:52:00.004-06:00

How do I answer that question? Lately, my stock answer is, “I’m ok.” But what I really want to scream is just the opposite. I’m not “OK”. I have an enormous, bleeding, gaping hole in my life as well as my heart. The “shock and awe” of his sudden illness and death is over. And, I’m left with the destruction, without the protection of the shock. I miss Steve. I would literally give my right arm to hear his laughter again, to snuggle by the Christmas tree together, just to talk to him.

So, if I answer your “How are you?” with a smile and an “OK”, it’s likely that I’m just not willing to unload on you with the truth at that moment.

There are so many other hurting people in this world. I know my hope is not in this life, and I’m thankful for that. By God’s grace, I’ll pick up one foot, put it down, and do it again. Some days my feet are just so awfully heavy.

New direction...

2008-11-25T10:11:00.001-06:00

I think Steve’s death has helped me to see how life is short, and the only guarantees we have are that God will always be God, and His Word will never fail. I want my short life to count for something. Something eternal. I do not want to waste this life, not a single day of it.

Steve and I talked so much about that. Steve talked a lot about how the Lord would not return until everyone had heard the gospel. And he had a great desire to help further that mission throughout the world. I still have that desire to see people from every tribe and tongue worshipping the Lord. My giftedness is certainly not in church-planting, but it is in compassion and mercy. So, I’m going back to school to get my nursing degree. My hope is that the Lord will use that in mission work to further His kingdom.

How gracious is the Lord to give me a new goal and plan right now! To have a new direction to focus on helps take my focus off of the pain and loss, which is great. So, if you think about me, pray that I’ll do well in school (I start my pre-requisites in January). And, pray that the Lord will comfort the boys and me through the holidays.

The kind of faith I pray for...

2008-11-18T09:50:00.003-06:00

Blessed is he whose faith is not offended,
When all around his way
The power of God is working out deliverance
For others day by day;

Though in some prison dark his own soul does fail,
Till life itself be spent,
Yet still can trust his Father's love and purpose,
And rest therein content.

Blessed is he, who through long years of suffering,
Not now from active toil,
Still shares by prayer and praise the work of others,
And thus "divides the spoil."

Blessed are you, O child of God, who does suffer
And cannot understand
The reason for your pain, yet will gladly leave
Your life in His blest Hand.

Yes, blessed are you whose faith is "not offended"
By trials unexplained,
By mysteries unsolved, past understanding,
Until the goal is gained.

(Freda Hanbury Allen. From "Streams in the Desert")

His Name's Sake

2008-11-02T18:14:00.003-06:00

Three friends from high school found me today on Facebook. Other than one, I don’t think I’ve spoken to anyone from high school for 20 years. It really started me thinking about old things. Which brings me to God’s miraculous grace. I wasn’t saved until I was 30, even though I had Christian parents, and attended a Christian school. And, from the time of about age sixteen until God’s gracious calling, I was a sinful mess. And, I made a mess of a lot of things.

In all honesty, I had to think for a while before accepting their “friend requests.” I’m a totally new creation, and some of the things in my old creature are painful to remember (even after this much time). When I look back on that time in my life, it’s as if I’m looking at someone else. And, in reality, I am.

That’s one of the many beautiful things about God’s grace. “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away, behold, the new has come.” II Corinthians 5:17

In Psalm 106:7-8, the Word says of the Israelites, “…they did not remember the abundance of your steadfast love, but rebelled by the sea, at the Red sea. Yet He saved them for His name’s sake, that He might make known His mighty power.” Note – it is FOR HIS NAME’S SAKE.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that everything in my life, sinful past, Steve’s illness and death, and everything else is FOR HIS NAME’S SAKE. That helps me keep a correct perspective. Instead of hiding in my sorrow, or shame, I have to look towards His Name’s sake.

Treasures in Heaven

2008-10-19T18:41:00.002-05:00

Steve's grave marker was placed last week. It makes it seem so final. (That probably sounds crazy.) The cemetary's a good place to sit and think, though.

I love what a friend said. She said that I should have a new view of Matthew 6:19-21, because one of my greatest treasures is now in Heaven. This world doesn't have such a hold on me. I wonder if that's why some very godly, elderly people have such a peaceful demeaner. Most of their treasures are waiting for them elsewhere, so they're not bound to this world. None of us should be. The more that is sent on ahead, the more peace we have here. Treasures in Heaven.

"Do not lay up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy and where thieves break in and steal, but lay up for yourselves treasures in Heaven, where neither moth nor rust destroys and where thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your hart will be also." Matthew 6:19-21

New understanding

2008-10-09T19:55:00.002-05:00

During Steve's illness, a verse kept coming to me. John 11:4, "This illness does not lead to death." I kept thinking that maybe God was telling me Steve would be healed. But no, Steve went Home.

A few days after Steve's death, I re-read that passage and the Lord gave me new eyes. The rest of Jesus' words were, "This illness does not lead to death. It is for the glory of God, so that the Son of God may be glorified through it."

This time when I read it, the second phrase stood out, "IT IS FOR THE GLORY OF GOD." That was the desire the Lord gave Steve from the first moment of his cancer journey.

The illness did NOT lead to (permanent) death. It was for the glory of God. It served a purpose of God. Praise Him. It's still so painful for those of us left here for now. But, I've begun to see this life as but a breath.

Sometimes I sit and ponder what Steve is seeing right now. I can't begin to get my little mind around it, but it must be glorious.

"But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope." I Thessalonians 4:13

The Lord Gives....

2008-09-16T22:28:00.006-05:00

and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.
It was one week ago today that I sat through my husband's funeral. That's not something you should have to do at 43.

It just doesn't compute yet. I'm constantly thinking of things I want to tell Steve, expecting him to come in the room. And, when that awful truth does register with me, the pain is too much. I shut down. I cannot think of it. So, I try not to, but everything reminds me of him. This was the kind of day, cool and sunny, that he would have loved. He would have wanted to go for a bike ride tonight.

Life seems out of control. I had no control over losing Steve, and if I think of all the things I really have no control over, I'll go mad. I instead choose to focus on the things I know. God is good. He is trustworthy. He knows what's best for me and my children. He is sovereign. He is forever. Steve's in Heaven and I'll see him again someday.